And so it begins

Don't know why but something about mam's second spell in hospital really spooked me. Went to work the following day and had 'a bit of a moment' - embarrassing when you're one of only a few women working in a predominantly male (engineering) environment. My boss had twigged that I was bothered about something, caught me on my own while making the team a brew and I got a bit girly and emotional. Agreed with hubby that maybe we should make the 200+ mile journey back up north to go see how she was getting on.

Saw mum in hospital on the Saturday and she seemed relatively perky - but still pale and more frail than I'd noticed previously. Saw her again on the Sunday and the colour had really come back to her cheeks - she seemed much more like normal healthy-looking mam and we drove back to Bucks feeling really optimistic.

One day later and another call - from my aunt, with a bombshell. The hospital said mam only had one working kidney and the other had some sort of 'mass' in it, a blockage. Put the phone down, floods of tears, felt like I'd been hit by a lorry.

Two days later, the news that both kidneys WERE working but not as well as they could be; she had an op to widen the tubes from her kidneys and relieve the pressure. Initial news was that it'd gone well and she'd be going home soon.

Hubs and I were due to go back up north on the Friday night for a long weekend and take in a football match, and it looked like she'd be home in time for us getting there. But only half an hour after leaving work, another phone call....she wasn't going home after all - she needed another op to see what was putting pressure on her kidneys.

Saw mum on the Saturday, while she was waiting to go to surgery - she seemed much like her normal self and just impatient to get it over with and go home!! My sister texted me to say mum had gone into surgery at about 2pm so we went straight from the match to visit her again - drowsy but otherwise well. We went ahead with a dinner date at a local Thai place and went to bed thinking what a good day it'd been.

Following morning we set off to visit mam in hospital before the long drive down south. En route she phoned to say she could come home, but sis tipped me off that she thought "something's wrong". The 'hit by a lorry' feeling was back, multiplied by a million. Could it be...................? Felt sick all the way to the Royal.

Mam was sitting on her bed and for a second she didn't see us - she looked smaller somehow, frail again and almost stunned or lost in thought. There was a problem - the hospital safe was locked so she couldn't get her purse out till the afternoon. Was that the problem? Is that all?!! I could've cartwheeled down ward D47! But no, that wasn't it. They hadn't been able to remove the cyst as the surgeon though it might be cancerous.

Drove home trying to make bits and pieces of 'normal' conversation instead of an overwhelming silence, and mam gingerly walked up the path and indoors. Hubs and I had arranged to meet his parents for lunch so we still did that, to give mam time to settle back in, then we went to the hospital to get mam's valuables (45 mins wait for matron to go find them!) Back to mam's, planning to stay as long as we were needed before driving back south - but it felt just like a normal Sunday afternoon, sitting chatting. The only cancer talk was a decision between me, mam and sister that we wouldn't tell dad anything until we knew for certain....he's 81, easily confused as it is, and we knew he'd assume the worst.

Drove back home to Bucks almost in silence. Now the wait begins to see what the results of the biopsy will be, on Thursday.