Friday, 13 November 2009

What if...

Just watching a prog on TV involving a Christmas song. Normally I love Christmas and then some. Happy memories from being a kid, and even now Christmas Eve is the one night of the year that I don't sleep well, as I can't wait to get up and get into it all - giving pressies out, drinking proper eggnog, Christmas lunch, her maj on telly, falling asleep after Christmas tea...

And for some reason, watching this programme, it suddenly hit me - what if - just IF - this is mam's last Christmas? I know it may well be FAR from her last...she has as much chance as anyone to beat this and live to see lots more Christmas mornings. But there's that tiny little pessimistic side of me that says what if after the hysterectomy they tell us it's spread? What if it's inoperable? Okay she's not ancient but she's 73, what if her age means she's just not fit enough to fight it? What if this IS her last Christmas?

For the first time ever a litte bit of me is dreading Christmas because I know that tiny pessimistic side of me will occasionally look at mam on Christmas eve and Christmas day and think , what if this is the last time?

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